Reconnecting (Part 2)

Reconnecting with my writing has proven a little more challenging than my chance encounter with Larry last summer. By comparison it makes that re-connection look like it was effortless when in fact it required traveling all the way to Minnesota, happening upon the right soccer field and knowing the name of Larry's business. I've never claimed that writing was easy but this recent return has felt like my biggest challenge yet.

During the majority of my previously productive writing period I was meditating regularly, not drinking any alcohol and I even attended a 10-day silent meditation retreat. None of those things have been true since I took that contract work. Writing in-and-of itself implies a certain level of connection but what I'll call "spiritual writing" requires an even deeper level by comparison. Why not simply go back to doing all the things that led to some level of productivity? Trust me, that's a question I ask myself often. Anyone that's meditated (or tried to meditate) knows that there's some kind of natural resistance to it. Perhaps its best described as synonymous with "Why do we keep eating when we claim we want to lose weight?" The answer is our body has programming to strongly encourage us to eat. Similarly, there's some kind of programming that resists doing certain things... even if we know that they're good for us. Obviously, this type of programming is more mental than physical.

This once again brings me back to my mental resistance to completing this book. As with most anything, this resistance is based on fear. The fear in this case is knowing that there are two most-likely outcomes. Either this book will sell copies and gain attention or it won't. If it does gain any attention, it will likely draw some negative attention for its critique of commonly held religious beliefs. In that regard, it becomes a choice between the fear of failure and the fear of negative attention. Any resistance to completing it is a clear selection of the former. Better to fail at completion than expose yourself and your ideas to the world... or so the ego says.

Why take on such an endeavor if you have this kind of resistance to it? That's a great question and it's one I think requires an understanding that there exist multiple facets to our individual personalities. Each of us has numerous aspects to our being, various desires that are sometimes in direct conflict with one another. This doesn't seem to make sense at first, but it's an apt model for how we behave. In the example of dieting, there's the part of us that wants to lose weight and another part that enjoys eating and can't seem to resist too well when we're hungry. While the feeling of hunger may be more primal or base-level than a higher-level desire to lose weight, rest assured that fear is just as primal. Even if that fear is illogical in nature, which can be seen in so many of our psychoses.

Facing those fears is something that feels risky yet carries potentially great rewards. Most days we don't consciously choose to face any particular fear with intention. We go about our business, mostly following a routine that keeps us in our comfort zone. Getting up each day with the intention of taking those fears head-on requires both determination and endurance.

Therein lies the exact purpose of this blog. I consciously created this space as a way to expose both my plans and associated feelings for everyone to see. There can be no private failure for me this time. It will get done or I'll have to face everyone I know with an admission that I couldn't drive myself to gut it out. (Suddenly I'm considering whether or not I should take this blog down prior to publication!)

I've primarily written about positive things here or tried to present myself in a certain light. I'd venture that it's natural to prefer being liked as opposed to not, but we're all shaped by our life experience. Some may believe that it's better to be disliked or even despised as a form of personal protection. That's certainly not my belief and every day I get up to write is a commitment to the part of my personality that believes this: What I wish to share with the world is more important than what some people will think of it.

Today that commitment takes the shape of hitting "Post." Right... now. [smile]