If at First You Succeed… Change the Metric??

The last time I checked in with the blog, I was making some serious progress. In modern parlance, I might have even said I was, “kickin’ it.” I was doing so well in fact that I felt it was time to start wrapping this project up. I decided to set some concrete objectives and associated deadlines beyond just generating word count. Then something happened. I wouldn’t call it “writer’s block,” perhaps something more like “I’d rather lie on a bed of sharp nails than work on this, block.” What happened?! Logically, I knew that to finish this book I was going to have to basically finish one chapter at a time, so I targeted chapter one. Incredibly boring approach… I know.

When I was writing for word count, I afforded myself a little extra leeway regarding the output. I wasn’t too hard on myself about phrasing or making sure each sentence and paragraph melded perfectly with its neighbor. I didn’t overly concern myself with whether there was the appropriate amount of foreshadowing and reinforcement, or if each idea was focused upon for the appropriate amount of time. Transitions and segues could be dealt with later. Once I shifted gears, I drew my attention to each of these elements and more, intending to apply the polish that had been left out in the original broad strokes. Clearly this change in objective would naturally reduce my word count, as the focus is essentially editing rather than creation. There’s still creation going on as areas get filled in or rewritten, but the point is the word count wouldn’t grow as much in the process. And that would all be fine if the chapters started coming to completion, that’s just not what happened.

What became obvious upon some reflection was my old friend, expectations, was paying me a visit. The difference between my writing-for-word-count expectations and my finish-this-chapter expectations are wildly different. To the point that it induced a dread of rereading the same passages over and over again. In short, I had realistic expectations when using my former approach, but now perhaps expectations that are beyond my current ability. While that may sound defeatist, it’s not meant or felt that way. My ability slowly increases as this project moves along and part of the expectation includes how long I feel it should take to produce this envisioned masterpiece. There are numerous accounts of how our own expectations can prevent us from enjoying something or even pursuing it. And really, who doesn’t understand that?

I could share with you the many ways in which I’ve learned that expectations are more often a detriment than a help or how managing them is essential to our happiness. If you’ve never heard something to that effect before a) I’m shocked and b) read this http://www.mindfood.com/at-managing-expectations-change-it-blog.seo . At this point you might be thinking, “Well you big dummy, just go back to writing for word count!” This might help me generate higher word counts in the interim, but ultimately this change in focus is necessary so dealing with my self-imposed expectations needs to be addressed sooner or later.

Instead of reviewing the concept of expectations however, I’d like to go a little deeper. I understand fully the problem with having high expectations and have understood it for quite some time. Yet here I was, the victim of my own expectations, almost without even knowing it. It sparked a thought regarding how this can happen inside the mind of someone that proclaims to actually “get it.” My resultant theory is something a little more elegant than a previous, “Maybe I’m not as smart as I think I am” version. I propose that there are numerous “levels” to our thinking. How many there might be isn’t clear and perhaps isn’t the relevant issue. They range from the lowest level of “[grunt] I’m hungry” all the way up to, “I choose to willingly sacrifice myself for some greater good.” Or something to that effect. We could likely have another debate around what that highest level really looks like, but again that’s not the point. The point is, honestly, who hasn’t found themselves making choices in a way that runs counter to some principle they understand? It might be easy to simply chalk this up to forgetfulness, or even laziness, however I’m proposing this “level” concept.

What I’m trying to express is that we can think at different levels. Conducting ourselves in a loving manner is always more challenging when we’re starving to death. Outside of these obvious extremes however I believe are more subtle levels. Do I consistently think of others before myself or is that a less frequent occasion? More commonly, I’m guessing that we think at a level that could best be described as, “what gives me the most immediate satisfaction?” I imagine we all float around, in and out of these various levels at different times, while also having a more dominant zone that we tend to reside in. In truth, this all leaves me with more questions than answers. Are there triggers that cause us to move up or down through these levels? Is it possible to become aware of these triggers or manage our thought level with any consistency? And perhaps most importantly, is there any way to encourage my thought processes towards a higher level and get them to stay there?

My next blog entry (which I intend to have out in less than a week) is going to outline my upcoming exploration directly into some of these questions.

Stay tuned and Happy Thanksgiving!